Spider-Man 3

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Spider-Man 3 (2007)

The movie starts off good, with Mary Jane singing, and the voice is totally different. You can tell it's not her. Ummm, it's pretty decent up until about the hour and a half point. There are way to many conveniences though in the first hour. Symbiote comes from a meteorite that happens to crash by Peter in the park, Sandman becomes Sandman accidently (of course...just like every other fucking bad guy in the movies so this way we can have some form of pity for them.) There's also a moment where Parker knows MJ is at this parade for Spider-Man and he is given the key to the city or some shit like that. So he's onstage and they're chanting "KISS," and he kisses Gwen Stacey fully knowing MJ is in the crowd. That is just....BAD. Ummm, yeah. When Spider-Man starts to feel the effects of the symbiote the movie just becomes atrocious. THe turns Emo basically and wears his hair over his eye and at one point where eyeliner.

There's two scenes that are some of the most douche chill inducing things I've ever seen. One is Parker is walking down the street but he's doing this like 70's strut. He ends up over-acting it and even does these retarded Saturday Night Fever dance moves in the middle of N.Y. If someone really did that shit people would be like "What the fuck is wrong with you?" So yeah. That happens and then later on he goes on a date with Gwen Stacey, who is 10x hotter then Mary Jane, and plays the Piano at a Jazz Club that MJ works at (they've broken up,) so he goes "THIS IS FOR YOU MJ," and then proceeded to confuse the shit out of me by doing this all out juke and jive jazz dance routine. This upsets Stacey cause it was for MJ (I seriously don't get this,) and then that's the last we see of her. I have no clue who's idea it was to leave that shit in the flick but they should be fired and never allowed to touch movies again. The strut I can understand but we didn't need it all, maybe the more mild parts of just him walking. Not fucking stupid dance moves from the 70's.

The only thing I did like about the movie was Topher Grace. I think he's a good actor if he stopped doing RomComs. But he's shortchanged by being under-developed thanks to Alvin Sargent, Sam Raimi and his retarded fucking brother. So yeah, he becomes Venom, it's all good. Meanwhile Harry suffers from Amnesia cause Spider-Man owns his ass. Then his memory comes back so he starts going after Spider-Man again so Emo Parker comes in and they fight in Harry's house. Suddenly Harry's butler that was almost always there is gone and of course doesn't hear everything fucking breaking in the house. Parker blasts Harry in the face with one of those bombs. Probably one of the only cool scenes in the flick.

Venom comes, as this happens Harry is out of the Hospital. Sandman and Venom fight in an alley for 2 seconds before Venom starts talking in his porn star voice about how they both want the Spider so they should both get the Spider. Venom kidnaps the annoying less hotter female lead of the flick and Parker sees it on the news. He shows up at Harry's house asking for help, Harry denies. The Butler suddenly appears and tells Harry that he cleaned his fathers wounds and that he killed himself. How fucking dumb. The Butler is a jack-ass. He could've ended all this annoying whiney shit from Harry 10 minutes into the second flick. Nice job with that Raimi brothers you fuckheads.

Spider-Man shows up at the construction site where Venom and Sandman are to kick their asses. Of course not before the obligatory annoying fucking patriotic shot of Spider-Man in front of an American flag. We get it, he's American. We got it in the first film, and the second. No on gives a fuck anymore. In fact no one gave a fuck to begin with. How annoying. He goes, and fights Venom and Sandman. Sandman's powers are lame. He turns into a huge sand monster....lame as hell if you ask me. Venom owns Spider-Man for a bit, he's kinda' cool but extremely under-used. Also he never refers to himself as "We," and is never actually called Venom. What else? Did I mention the lame Porn star voice? Oh yeah and the lame-ass costume of the symbiote not fully covering Tophers face? It looks stupid, and the fangs they made aren't even fangs. I dunno what the fuck they were. He had like one sharp tooth.

They fight. It wasn't very good. All in between the fighting they keep intercutting with a news feed where some british twat says lame-ass lines like "Oh the humanity," and "This could be the end of Spider-Man." -Why? Just why? Let them fucking fight without your bullshit in between. In some circumstances that works, in this one it fucking doesn't. Harry comes and saves the day. Venom fucking owns Harry with his Glider spikes even though he was trying to get Spider-Man. Parker realizes that Venom's weakness is sound waves when some metal pipes fall and notices the symbiote going whacky. So he bangs some pipes together then shows them into the floor around him in a circle and runs around banging the pipes until he webs Topher and pulls him out. The symbiote then gets really big and Spider-Man throws a bomb in it, Brock jumps in and it explodes and you see a Skeleton for a second and then it's gone. Smoke clears and there's nothing there. SO GAY. Why would you do that? Why do all comic book villains in movies have to die? These people in charge of making these films are so GAY. When they DO make the right decision they have NO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO DO IT EITHER................

Sandman has a man to man chat with Parker where they discuss how supposedly Sandman killed Parkers grandfather instead of the guy we thought did for the first two movies...Nice. Why couldn't he just have been an accomplice? It would've worked just the same you fucknuts? He talks about how he didn't want anyone dying and what has happened to happen, he just wanted to save his daughters life cause she's sick. Spider-Man forgives him for killing his grandfather despite the fact that it was partially Peters fault for being such an asshole of a grandkid. Sandman then lets himself dustify without any closure to the story of his dying daughter. Good going you dumb-ass Raimbi Bros. and Company.

Mary Jane and Peter sit there and have a conversation with Harry. He dies. No one cares. They show his funeral, the lack of caring continues. MJ is still working at that shitty Jazz club that Parked showed himself off at earlier in the film. Parker goes back there and it ends with them hugging and me pissed off for having my fave character shortchanged but also slighty alright with it because thanks to the two people I went with I laughed, a lot.

Seriously. Fuck Sam Raimi. I always thought he didn't get the Spider-Man flicks and this just proves me right. I'll never purchase this movie, EVER. I'll DL it and MAYBE watch the whole thing again, but I'm voting more on me just skipping to the Venom parts to see it at home with a better look at his appearance and all that stuff. What a fucking let down this shit was.

4/10.

I'd probably say that X-Men 3 was on the same grounds as this, maybe better. I have to rewatch X3. I guess that's biased though since I'm more unfamiliar with the X-Men series but I do agree with most people that X3 blew compared to the other flicks..I dunno. The point is Spider-Man 3 was fucking..terrible. Once Parker does that stupid fucking Saturday Night Fever strut the movie is knocked down for the count. It loses it's momentum and just never regains it. The only thing to be optimistic about is that there's a piece of the black symbiote in Doctor Connors office, but who gives a fuck since Eddie Brock is most likely dead? It's lame without Brock. Just...fuck off Avi Arad and Sam Raimi, Ivan Raimi and Alvin Sargent. You people blow.